Recent years have seen Australian pitches descend in to sameness, with each surface baked identically hard and flat thanks to the environmental devastation of mankinds greatest existential threat, T20.
But despite studying endless days of play on these predictable surfaces, one thing remains; Australians still have no idea about pitches.
This nations desire to exceedingly survey 22 yards of lawn is a pastime that has existed since time immemorial, which is weird because after 200+ years of intense study, you think wed at least know something by now.
Whether at a local level or watching on telly, and whether a professional or simply enjoying a delightful afternoon lidding your three year old, if youve ever looked at a pitch and used vague terminology to claim you know how it will behave, youve blatantly lied.
From the wide-ranging it might do a bit to wilfully inviting England to bat at The Oval on a glass bench-top, this nation has lost its way so seriously that even Tim Paine is banned from making decisions at the toss.
Not even the sanctity of Christmas is immune.
As soon as the last pudding is consumed, uncles will be pressing their fingers down on backyard strips and declaring shes spongy, should seam, not realising they are a) actually touching the trifle because theyre plastered, and b) crying for help.
But never fear, my battling countrymen. Let me a fellow illiterate guide you with some vague, unenforceable terminology:
Looks a road
A colloquial term for any pitch found with an Extinction Rebellion protestor glued to the surface.
A pitch assessed by neuro-scientists as occupying an undeniable power of somnolence so strong that it can only found in the deepest dream state of the human subconscious, or when watching Alastair Cook.
Who needs money when we got feathers? (Photo by Morgan Hancock/Action Plus via Getty Images)
Raging green top
Anything exhibiting signs of nourishment and green growth. With the nation currently gripped by drought, only applicable when theres a lettuce leaf on a good length.
Shes a bunsen
Last spun when petrol was 78c per litre.
Previously referred to the SCG wicket before Sydney became embroiled in a tit-for-tat culture war with Melbourne and commissioned a surface to stage the Australian Open.
Recently heard with Trevor Hohns considering a second spin option, who on current statistics would be the statue of Richie Benaud.
Its a new ball wicket
A surface that provides the opening quicks with brief pause from the spectre of stress fractures. Used to apply to the Pink Ball test at Adelaide before a recent graveyard match where one days play saw Steve Smith tally 7000 runs.
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This was followed by other incredible feats of run accumulation such as David Warners 335, and the most unfathomable of the game, Shaheen Shah Afridis 1.
Anywhere a ball has wildly sprung off the surface anytime in the last two years. Regularly heard in Perth, and most recently at Greystanes Number 2, but only because it pitched on a sprinkler.
Tennis ball bounce
Usually occurs when a pitch has lived the life of a Hollywood child star; once brimming with vitality and promise, but now a haggard version of its former self because of chemicals and over-scheduling. An excellent term for covering up your own shortcomings as a bowler.
This ensures the slow carry is blamed on the surface, and not because your 89km pies are hitting the deck with the same force as cake frosting oozing from a piping bag.
Fast and true
A surface considered trustworthy. This can be because of the bounce, or because it doesnt work for one of the major four banks.
Englands cricket captain Andrew Flintoff, left, Australian Prime Minister John Howard, and Australian captain Cameron White (AP Photo/Rick Rycroft)
Most commonly heard on Astro-turf and at the Gabba, a pitch enthusiastically crowned by Shane Warne as the best in the world, but only after he heard it was firm and shaved.
A sporting pitch
The unicorn of modern cricket. A sporting pitch is considered such as it produces five entire days of perfect balance between the two most important aspects of the game, that being broadcasters and advertising.
Its up and down
No longer a common trait among modern pitches. Last heard on old and forgotten surfaces, like uncovered pitches and Hobart.